Deeeeep Hurting

To conquer others is to have power.  To conquer yourself is to know the way ~~ Lao Ma

Sure, Lao Ma is a fictional character from Xena, but she speaks the truth. 

Everyday I want to do something different with my life, but I'm too afraid or paranoid that it won't work out for me.  Can't stand up and tell that dude he's an asshole and wish he would have never entered your life?  Me neither.  Make all these plans in your head to do when you get home from work, and instead sit around watching TV or playing videogames?  Been there, still do it.

I'm not a huge believer in resolutions because I think it's just a way for people to fail and convince themselves they'll just wait until next year, but that's just the cynic in me.  There's nothing wrong with making goals to better yourself, so instead of resolutions, I'm calling them attempts.  Here's a few of mine:

1.  Attempt to not let vinegar sacs control my life.  If he's not there 100%, he ain't ever gonna be there 100%. 

2.  Attempt to get outside more.  Even if it's just wandering around my small town.

3.  Attempt to spend more time in the kitchen.  I've got to get out of the habit of microwave or takeout just because I'm not cooking for more than one person.  I love to read cookbooks, and I've got a whole slew of them. Time to do some experimenting on my own.

4.  And finally, stop being so damned hard on myself.  I'm a jacked up individual.  That's just how it is.  I can accept my flaws and carry on with my life or I can continue to belittle and degrade myself over every stupid thing.

So there ya have it.  My attempts for the new year.  It's time to go back to being who I once was...a carefree person who just went with the flow.  Amazing how certain people and events in your life can make your personality change. 

Bastards.  ;)

I bet you think this blog is about you...

This blog is the product of a conversation I had last night with a close friend.  Said friend is not the friend I'm talking about in this blog.  Confused?  :)

You know, I'm very aware that I can be a hard person to hang around with.  I have no filter, I'm eccentric, I'm foul-mouthed, bawdy and maybe a little too loud for some people.  But don't come into my life and want to know all about me, then once you've infiltrated it, become a very close friend, just decide that I'm all the sudden an anchovy and you don't want that nasty thing on your pizza.

Who does that?  If you were really my friend, you wouldn't just stop being my friend without good reason.  I understand that people go through shit and we all have baggage, but damn!  I have very few friends, first because it takes a lot for me to trust people because I've been jacked over in the past by people who I gave 100% to and then they just flaked out on me. And second because of the reasons named above in the first paragraph. 

So it really pisses me off when I'm made to feel like an inconvenience when you were the one who initiated the friendship in the first place.  You ask me why I am the way I am, I tell you and you're very understanding and say that you don't see it, but then you must see it because you're no longer my friend anymore. 

Part of me wants to confront this person and be like "WTF??!!!"  Another part is saying "Screw 'em!  You're fun to hang around with and they're the ones missing out if they don't want to be your friend."  I think I'll stick with that one.  People only have power over you if you let them.  So, this is the last I shall speak of this person. 

Random Thoughts of Craziness

So I'm caving and getting an Iphone with that talking chick on it.  I'm just happy that now when I'm having my little "talks" that she can answer back and I won't look like a complete nutter.  Who knows, she may have some good advice.  The woman knows where to get good food, good liquor and good sex, so surely she can't be all bad.

Although I wish I could customize the voice so maybe I could make it a dude with a Scottish or Australian accent.  Mmmm...yeah, much better.

Anyways, I swear I saw the Tardis the other day while driving to meet a friend.  I was tempted to go over to it and look for the Doctor, but alas, it wasn't the right color.  Maybe he's incognito.  And if you don't know what the Tardis is...shame on you.

Speaking of crazy, Tara on "Sons of Anarchy".  Helloooooooooo insane asylum.  Granted she's on all those meds, and she outsmarted Gemma, but she's got the look of madness in her eyes.  I don't see this season ending well for a lot of people.  At least I got to see Jax's ass. 

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Mine was relatively painless.  Now we move on to Christmas, but first my birthday is in two weeks.  Woot woot!!  I'll be 33 and will party like I just turned 21.  Of course, that's how I party all the time, so not much of a difference.

I've got to start on my Christmas shopping.  I'm such a procrastinator, but damn I hate getting out and dealing with all those idiots at the malls and other places.  I don't shop online because I only have access to a computer at work since I live out in the country and my Internet sucks ass. 

Anyways, this is my actual Friday, so I'm ready for the weekend.  Looks to be another good one.  Fare thee well, my friends and foes.