Deeeeep Hurting

To conquer others is to have power.  To conquer yourself is to know the way ~~ Lao Ma

Sure, Lao Ma is a fictional character from Xena, but she speaks the truth. 

Everyday I want to do something different with my life, but I'm too afraid or paranoid that it won't work out for me.  Can't stand up and tell that dude he's an asshole and wish he would have never entered your life?  Me neither.  Make all these plans in your head to do when you get home from work, and instead sit around watching TV or playing videogames?  Been there, still do it.

I'm not a huge believer in resolutions because I think it's just a way for people to fail and convince themselves they'll just wait until next year, but that's just the cynic in me.  There's nothing wrong with making goals to better yourself, so instead of resolutions, I'm calling them attempts.  Here's a few of mine:

1.  Attempt to not let vinegar sacs control my life.  If he's not there 100%, he ain't ever gonna be there 100%. 

2.  Attempt to get outside more.  Even if it's just wandering around my small town.

3.  Attempt to spend more time in the kitchen.  I've got to get out of the habit of microwave or takeout just because I'm not cooking for more than one person.  I love to read cookbooks, and I've got a whole slew of them. Time to do some experimenting on my own.

4.  And finally, stop being so damned hard on myself.  I'm a jacked up individual.  That's just how it is.  I can accept my flaws and carry on with my life or I can continue to belittle and degrade myself over every stupid thing.

So there ya have it.  My attempts for the new year.  It's time to go back to being who I once was...a carefree person who just went with the flow.  Amazing how certain people and events in your life can make your personality change. 

Bastards.  ;)

I bet you think this blog is about you...

This blog is the product of a conversation I had last night with a close friend.  Said friend is not the friend I'm talking about in this blog.  Confused?  :)

You know, I'm very aware that I can be a hard person to hang around with.  I have no filter, I'm eccentric, I'm foul-mouthed, bawdy and maybe a little too loud for some people.  But don't come into my life and want to know all about me, then once you've infiltrated it, become a very close friend, just decide that I'm all the sudden an anchovy and you don't want that nasty thing on your pizza.

Who does that?  If you were really my friend, you wouldn't just stop being my friend without good reason.  I understand that people go through shit and we all have baggage, but damn!  I have very few friends, first because it takes a lot for me to trust people because I've been jacked over in the past by people who I gave 100% to and then they just flaked out on me. And second because of the reasons named above in the first paragraph. 

So it really pisses me off when I'm made to feel like an inconvenience when you were the one who initiated the friendship in the first place.  You ask me why I am the way I am, I tell you and you're very understanding and say that you don't see it, but then you must see it because you're no longer my friend anymore. 

Part of me wants to confront this person and be like "WTF??!!!"  Another part is saying "Screw 'em!  You're fun to hang around with and they're the ones missing out if they don't want to be your friend."  I think I'll stick with that one.  People only have power over you if you let them.  So, this is the last I shall speak of this person. 

Random Thoughts of Craziness

So I'm caving and getting an Iphone with that talking chick on it.  I'm just happy that now when I'm having my little "talks" that she can answer back and I won't look like a complete nutter.  Who knows, she may have some good advice.  The woman knows where to get good food, good liquor and good sex, so surely she can't be all bad.

Although I wish I could customize the voice so maybe I could make it a dude with a Scottish or Australian accent.  Mmmm...yeah, much better.

Anyways, I swear I saw the Tardis the other day while driving to meet a friend.  I was tempted to go over to it and look for the Doctor, but alas, it wasn't the right color.  Maybe he's incognito.  And if you don't know what the Tardis is...shame on you.

Speaking of crazy, Tara on "Sons of Anarchy".  Helloooooooooo insane asylum.  Granted she's on all those meds, and she outsmarted Gemma, but she's got the look of madness in her eyes.  I don't see this season ending well for a lot of people.  At least I got to see Jax's ass. 

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Mine was relatively painless.  Now we move on to Christmas, but first my birthday is in two weeks.  Woot woot!!  I'll be 33 and will party like I just turned 21.  Of course, that's how I party all the time, so not much of a difference.

I've got to start on my Christmas shopping.  I'm such a procrastinator, but damn I hate getting out and dealing with all those idiots at the malls and other places.  I don't shop online because I only have access to a computer at work since I live out in the country and my Internet sucks ass. 

Anyways, this is my actual Friday, so I'm ready for the weekend.  Looks to be another good one.  Fare thee well, my friends and foes. 

Drive-Ins, Football and the Honey Badger

Oh noes!  It's Thanksgiving week.  The end is nigh!!!  All the cooking and cleaning I have to do.

Hah!  Right.

This is what I've been given permission to buy at the store for my family's dinner:  A box of Wheat Thins, whipping cream, two (that's two) Bosque pears, and sweet tea.  CAN YOU HANDLE THAT??  It could get dicey here, but I think I'm up to the challenge.

So I had a fanfreakingtastic weekend.  Friday night we went and saw "Breaking Dawn" at the drive-in and Holy Zeus it was horrific.  We were out there just riffing it to death, drinking Jack and Coke and huddled under our blankets since the wind was a cold bitch.  Sadly no fight broke out, and I felt like I needed to start one so my 17-year-old nephew didn't feel let down.  He and I were in my Jeep following his parents, and naturally they paid for us.  But of course I have to jack with people so when we pulled up and the dude told us to go on in, I was like "What?  Why don't I have to pay?"  And he told me the car in front of me had already.  And then I said "But I don't know those people!  Who the f#!k!!"  The poor guy looked like he was going to be ill, and my nephew is over there just snickering because he knows me so well.  Finally, I gave in and fessed up, but he will never be the same. 

I'm also the girl that will go through Jack in the Crack and when they ask me if my order looks right on the screen, I'll tell them I have no way of knowing because I can't read.

Saturday I went to a college football game with a couple of guy friends.  He's a huge CSU fan and they were playing TCU.  We all dressed up in green and hit the road for Fort Worth with plenty of beer and ready to tailgate.  We were cutting people off if we saw their cars had purple TCU stickers on them, trash talking then driving away. 

Hey, I never said I was mature.

Security only came to warn us once, but I have to say I was very disappointed.  This was my first college football game, and having seen how rowdy they are on "College Game Day" I was expecting some serious fun shit to go down.  Alas, it was just people sitting in their seats, no paint or anything except for these guys in thongs and painted purple.  That was the highlight of the game.  That and us causing trouble just to see if anyone would start something with us. 

We left early and headed back to Big D, and I got carsick from all the damned stopping and starting as they looked for an In & Out Burger.  I'd never eaten there, and hearing how most of my friends say it's the new crack, I was looking forward to it.  Meh!!  I've had better burgers from Whataburger!  The fries were good, and what I was able to drink of my chocolate shake because someone felt the need to snag it was yummy, but I was not impressed.  I was expecting this huge neon sign of 20 different types to choose from, and it's only three. 

Sunday was Thanksgiving with friends.  I tried not to eat too much at the early afternoon one because I had another one later that evening, but it didn't work.  Damn you Mac & Cheese!!! 

I bought a Christmas wreath the other day and you'd think I'd brought about the Apocalypse with the stunned reactions from the people who know me best.  True, I'm not really into decorating my house for the holidays.  My mom and sister do it so much that it looks like a Snowman threw up all over the place.  But it never looks tacky.  The one time I tried, tree and all, it just had no style.  But the wreath was too cute to pass up, and they're all like "Don't put it up until after Thanksgiving."  Duh. 

Ack!  Almost forgot to tell you about the Honey Badger.  Some dude backed into my car, and when he heard my friend and I honking at him he drove off!  Lucky her car wasn't on because I would have pressed her foot to the gas and we would have been on the news.  Then his friends are trying to tell me I didn't see what I saw.  Right...that paint nick just got there by itself.  The Honey Badger is fine, I'm pissed that he fled.  And even more when his friends started hassling us.  I don't have a problem getting white trash in public.

Well, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving.  I've got to work that day, but get off at 11 am so it shouldn't be too bad.  I just hope I'm ready for the responsibility of Wheat Thins, whipping cream, sweet tea and pears.  If you don't hear back from me, it's because I cracked under the pressure. 

Forwards Backwards Upwards Downwards Bottom to the Top

My blog title has nothing whatsoever to do with this post, but I've got "Alice in Wonderland" stuck in my head (the Disney version) so there ya go.  If I have to hear it, so do you.  :D
Goth.  Freak.  Weirdo.  Crazy.  Jock.  Brain.  Square Peg.  Nutter.  Wacko.  Bitch.  Asshole.  Slut.  Prude.

Labels.

You ever find yourself acting like the labels that were given to you, rather than who you really are? 

And no, just a couple of those are my labels up there.  I'll let you figure out which ones.  ;)  Although in junior high I was considered a New Waver, which is the light side of Goth.  We who listened to Pearl Jam and Nirvina, wore Doc Martins with knee-high tights, but I did brush my hair.

I think we get so wrapped up in being who other people expect us to be that we forget who we are supposed to be.  I know I'm definitely guilty of it, especially with men. On, those clever bastards.  But I am working on overcoming that. 

Anyhoo...these are the things going through my mind thanks to that new freaking pill I'm on.  I still have mixed feelings about how it's affecting me mentally.  I'm not denying that I'm sleeping better than I have in years, but that doesn't mean I'm enjoying the fog being lifted.

On a lighter note, we are taking the Honey Badger to the drive-in to watch "Breaking Dawn."  Yes, yes...we know.  But we go to riff on it, and in the hopes of seeing another white trash, drag out bitch fight like last time.  Two chicks going crazy on each other.  It was AWESOME

Annie Get Your Gun....or Your Jeep

During a conversation with my sister and an elderly gentleman, the age-old tradition that has been passed down to me by my forefathers was brought up...Squirrel killing. 

My sister was telling us the story how she'd hit a deer on her way home from a trip, and how it jacked up her car and that she had never, ever hit an animal before in her life.  And that's when I informed them that I run over squirrels on purpose. 

That's right.  If they don't get out of the way, I don't swerve to miss them. 

Some may say that's animal cruelty, but I'm not like ramming into trees to send them flying and then picking them off one by one.  Or sitting in my parent's backyard with a BB Gun shooting them off of my mom's birdfeeder.

True, it's a lesson to all the squirrels out that that lived in the house I was raised in.  They would get stuck in the walls and you could hear them dying with each horrible last breath they took at one am in the damned morning, or fighting in the attic with each other over a nut or something.  So yes, I do see it as "This could happen to you if you even think about coming back into the house again."

And believe me, I love animals.  If I wasn't allergic to have of the gods creations, I would have been a vet.  But squirrels...there's something about how they just stay in the road when they see cars coming, daring you.  Taunting you.

That Geico commercial isn't far off...

Jeans, Asses, Videogames and Other Craziness

I can't figure out what to hate more:  My ass or the jeans that try to mold themselves to them.  It's not like I have a ginormous booty, but there's some junk in the trunk that can bring the boys to the yard when need be.  But I also have extremely skinny legs.  Like the gods wanted to torment me even further by giving me these damned chicken legs to hold up curves that no petite mortal should suffer with.  I'm a curvy girl, and that's not a nice way of saying I'm fat.  Nope, I've got Scarlett Johansen melons up front and J-Lo in the back. 

Courtney, you say!!  Most women would kill for that.  Hah!!!  Perhaps if I was 5'8 then yes, I'd look ok.  But on my 5'2 frame it just looks like the fates threw me together at random.

Back to my chicken legs, though.  I have to buy jeans a tad bigger so they pull up over my ass, but they bulk out once you hit the tops of my thighs.  And then when summer time comes along, everyone's like Wow!  You've got great gams, but who knew under the jeans you wear.  Hmpf.  I could get them tailored, but that's just extra money to spend.  Maybe it's time for another closet raid.  Like panty raids, but jeans instead of thongs.  And don't even get me started on dresses. 

Now it's time for me to bitch about Zelda.  Not the medium for "Poltergeist" either, but one of my favorite videogame franchises EVER.  I consider myself a fairly clever gal, but these new games are meant for martians visiting from outer space to prove how vastly superior they are from us by defeating them in three hours and seventeen seconds. 

I don't think it's fun to constantly have to look up how to get through a certain part of a game because I'm supposed to magically know that I need to find the golden bugs to take to a chick named Agitha who's waiting on them to throw a party just so I can get a bigger wallet and help out a stranded Goron who is waiting for a bridge to be built so I can get the magic armor that will allow me to become Invincible.  WTF??!!  I'm playing "Twilight Princess" right now, and for the love of Zeus, I'm stumped at almost every turn.  I remember when games first came out and we didn't have anything to help us cheat.  The games were designed to be hard enough to give us a challenge, but simple enough to figure out on our own.  I refuse to give up though.

I cleaned my house the other day and now I feel like I deserve some kind of reward.  I clean maybe once a month, and trust me, my version of cleaning is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay different from yours.  Cleaning means getting rid of the clutter and throwing away all the empty coke cans and water bottles lying around.  I'm not talking about dusting and mopping and bleaching and making everying sparkle like a rainbow.  I was like "I have cleaned, so now I can reward myself with beer."  Like I need a reason to have a couple of Dos Equis...because that's the beer I prefer when I drink.

As always, give love to the cheshire cat and when in doubt ask yourself...What would Xena do?

Was That the Wrong Pill to Take?

"Ah, pierce me 100 times with your needles fine and I will thank you 100 times, Saint Morphine, you who Aeseulapus has made a God."

Really dig that quote by Jules Verne.  And no, I'm not shooting morphine, though I've had it on occasion, and while only for surgeries, I do understand the appeal.

I skipped a pill the other night due to the lateness of the hour of which I would be going to bed, and boy did I feel it the next morning...and so did everyone else.  I was bouncing off the walls, like I normally am when I don't get any sleep, and someone was kind enough to tell me I was talking with machine gun rapidity.  I was also very sick with allergies and had a slight OD on benadryl this weekend.  Benadryl and my new pill don't mix well.  In fact, my new pill doesn't mix well with a lot of things, and that's really sucking for me.

My wrist was killing me the other day so I snagged a hydro from someone and holy overdose Batman...I've never felt so horrible in my life.  And add to that the benadryl I apparently took too many of I had an atrocious weekend.  Literally had to force myself to finally get out yesterday afternoon to just go run somewhere and get a drink because I had no passion to do anything at all.  I sat on the couch, watched TV, and played videogames from Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.  What a horrible way to spend my weekend off.  Normally I'm out and about, partying or just trying to stay active, but not this weekend.

And I didn't like it one freaking bit. 

There's not really anybody I could call and say "Hey, I'm feeling like a shut-in, do you mind if I come hang out at your place for a while?"  That just opens the door for all sorts of questions that I don't feel like answering.  Yes, I have friends, and most of them know about my...quirky personality is how I'll put it, but I still feel even more like an outcast or a weirdo if I try and explain how I'm feeling. 

My mind is totally blank up here right now.  And it's never been this way.  I know everyone is telling me that my body is re-adjusting and I'll feel like this for a couple more weeks, but DAYUM!!!  If this is what I've been missing all my life, I'm starting to wonder if I made the right decision to get myself treated.  Yes, I'm sleeping.  But I'm a functioning zombie.  And who the hell wants to feel like that?

One Pill Makes you Larger and One Pill Makes you Small....

But sometimes you find something that puts you right in the middle, and there's nothing wrong at all.

So, the sleepy-eyed neurologist whose circles matched mine put me on an interesting drug Thursday.  Please, no names...the last thing I need are my friends Googling that shit and finding out what it is.  I've been on it for two days straight, and though it's too early to feel major differences, I did get five hours of uninterrupted sleep last night.  That is HUGE for me.  Y'all know how little I sleep, and it helped that I didn't have to get up for work until 6:30 this morning rather than the obscene time of 3:30 which is my norm.

It takes a bit to shake off this groggy feeling I'm experiencing for the first time, but it has been noted that I wasn't quite my frenzied self yesterday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is something that will work for me in the long-term.

I even promised the doctor and others that I would follow the rules to a T, and that means no drinking or other substances while I'm on this.  At least not for the first couple of weeks.  Hah!  Sure, I can have a glass of wine or a beer, but I promised I wouldn't be the hardcore pAArtier I normally am. 

I'm still a little concerned that this pill will work but I won't like how it makes me feel, and therefore stop taking it.  You hear it all the time.  Sure, it worked...but it made me feel horrible.  So far I haven't experienced any of those sensations, but I'm also only my third day.  I think my brain chemicals are re-organizing.  I'm being reset, so to speak.  And hopefully in a positive way.

For now, the White Knight still talks backwards, but I'm beginning to understand what he's saying.

In the Land of the Sleep Deprived, She with the Best Drugs is Queen

For those in the know, I don't sleep well.  Or get good "sleep hygiene" as I'm told.  ;)

Let me break it down in hours.  In a week, I'm likely living on about 12 hours.  So that's about three hours a night, and no, that's not uninterrupted sleep.  That's waking up every damned hour.  That doesn't mean I don't get in bed at a normal time (usually between 10:30-11pm), and my alarm goes off at 3:55 am.  Gone are the days where I stay up on the internet, watch tv, talk/text with people.  I feel that if I lay in bed long enough, eventually I'll fall asleep.  Hah!!!!

I use my bed for sleeping/sex only, which is what you're told to do.  I don't have any electronics in there, and I've even got some type of spray I can put on my pillow that is supposed to induce drowsiness. 

None of that shit works. 

I've tried all the sleeping pills, and while they worked for about a week, eventually my body built up a tolerance to them and quit on me.  Bastards.  How I build tolerance to those drugs, but other drugs I don't is just one of those weird things that my body does.  So I don't bother with prescriptions anymore because it's a waste of time.  I did a sleep study and it just showed I had mild sleep apnea.  DUH!  I want to know why I can't fall asleep.  My brain is on overdrive.  I'm not ADHD, I'm just extremely sensitive to sounds and activity going on around me.  Does that make any sense?

I was having a chat with my therapist and we started wondering what kind of person I would be if I got just six hours of sleep a night.  Six hours of good, hard, uninterrupted sleep.  Would I think differently, talk differently?  Would I be able to focus more and finally do things I've always wanted to do?  Like finish one of the EIGHT books I'm writing? 

Some people keep trying to label me as ADHD, Bipolar, Manic, or just plain nuts.  The one thing I know I am for sure is that I'm a chronic insomnia.  That's the only label that can be put on me.  And that affects everything else in your body, so no wonder I feel like a complete loon half the time.  Ok, most of the time.  Alright...every damned minute.

I've been tired since I was 11 years old, which is about when my chronic insomnia began.  My family and friends have no clue how I function, and to be honest, I don't either.  I guess I've just adapted, which isn't good.  I'm 32 and I'm effing exhausted.  I still go out, I still party, I never let my insomnia interfere with work, though my work allows me to catch little cat naps when I'm not on air.  If I had a typical job, I think I'd have serious problems maintaining.

I've decided on a course of action to be taken, and I'm hoping to the gods that it works.  Because if it doesn't, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.  Because if trained professionals can't help me, who the hell else can? 

In the meantime, sleep well and dream of hot men.  Ooh!  That's one thing I say about my sleep.  When I'm under, I have the best dreams. 

Because I've Always Wanted to be Interviewed by James Lipton

You know you've thought about them too.

1.  What is your favorite word?

            Serenity  (since right now all I wanna do is get some rest, so Serenity Now, please.)

2.  What is your least favorite word?

            Kumquat

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
            A wicked sense of humor

4.  What turns you off?
            Hypocrisy

5.  What is your favorite curse word?
            Fuckmunch, bitchtroll

6.  What sound or noise do you love?
            Thunder in the distance

7.  What sound or noise do you hate?
            My alarm clock

8.  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
            Concert violinist

9.  What profession other than your own would you not like to attempt?
            Math tutor

10.  If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
            Mystery Science Theater 3000 marathon to your left, the largest library in the universe to your right, and I hear the chef has outdone himself with the buffet.

Where There's Not a Will, There Might Still be a Way

I've hit a wall when it comes to maintaining my new "healthy" outlook on life, which means eating better and trying not to drink the liquor so damned much.  I had done really good for nearly three months now, especially when it came to the food.  I've accepted the fact that I'm a binge drinker on the weekends when I party, and that's just how it is and damn anyone who has a problem with it.  I control my shit, unlike Fabios, and love to have a good time.  But I always made up for it with my food choices. 

I guess I'm just tired of the same crap every day.  There's really no diversity whatsoever, and as someone who loves change, actively seeks it, this is not acceptable anymore.  And the other problem is I'm not much of a cook.  I make a killer risotto, and buffalo chicken sandwiches, but a woman can not live on carbohydrates alone.  So Spike Spiegal said.  I love to buy cookbooks and read them, but when I think about attempting a recipe I just get overwhelmed by all the stuff needed and say Screw It!  I'll just fix a sandwich with Cheetos. 

My new goal is to actually cook some of the things from all the damned recipe books I've acquired, a lot of which are for healthy eating.  Just need to stay focused, which as someone with ADD is a bit of a problem. But I did so awesome the first three months, and dropped 22 pounds, and really do have a new outlook on eating.  It's the invisible wall that everyone comes up against, no matter what they're trying to conquer. 

Also, that's one of the few times you'll see me in a dress.  I never look cute when it comes to dressing up, but I managed to pull it off this time.  A sign of things to come?  Meh.  ;)

Partying like a rock star and putting up with douchebags

My friend Sarah came to Dallas to celebrate her 31st birthday, and it was a blast.  Picked her tipsy ass up from DFW, almost got lost in the Jetson City that is our airport even though I've been there numerous times, and then went out to Lower Greenville for one helluva time with her and our mutual friend Jeanna.  She wanted Tex Mex, so we took her to Ojeda's, and damn it was delicious.  I had the chicken and mushroom quesadillas, which I have to pronounce like Napolean Dynamite's grandmother, some shots of Patron, and then it was time to get our funky on.  We had so much fun, although I didn't have my inhaler with me and at one point during the night...okay at 4:30 in the morning...I was driving back to Ferris from Garland to get it, then back to Garland.  Yes, it's all in my head, but once I realize I don't have it, I can't breathe all the sudden.
Saturday was a chill day for the party girl.  Pedicures and wine at the nail salon, looking at boots that half off was $129, and eating sushi from a little general store out in the country that was so yummy.  Oh, and this:

Yep, that's right.  A free genital horse for the kids.  Can't make this shit up.

So, lets talk about how stupid men are.  It is my favorite topic.  Do not hit it off with me, get my number, then turn around and text me 30 minutes later saying how you "were feeling my friend and to give her your number."  Really?  For the love of Zeus...

I don't think guys realize how that makes us feel when they do that.  Like he was just getting to know me because he knew he stood no chance with her, but maybe if I give her your number, it will be like yeah, okay, he's cool.  Wrong.  You come off as an even bigger asshole when you do that.  And then when I tell you she's not interested, the next day, don't be all chummy with me because I won't tolerate that shit.  Bastards.

So, who watched "True Blood"?  Holy Alcide's hot naked ass Batman!  Can't believe we've got to wait until next summer for the new season.  Conspiracy.  At least I've got "Sons of Anarchy" to ease my pain.  Oh, Jax. 

And that was my weekend.  Oh, and then another friend came over and we watched the Falcons/Bears game, drank too much beer (that exploded on my wall) and I hopped off the diet bandwagon.  Naughty Courtney.  Back to reality today.  Dammit.

I have a bod for sin...but no head for business.

So I bit the bullet and bought a new car Friday.  It's a Jeep Liberty, and it kicks all sorts of ass.  I can't wait to break it in with some mudding, but that would require rain, which ain't happening anytime soon. 

Now, I brought my sibling along with me to help with finances and stuff because I just don't understand any of it.  I'm by no means stupid, but anything to do with numbers and percentages, I'm like a nun in a sex toy shop...What are all these things and how do I use them?  She's much more number savvy, with a background as an accountant, so I know she'll steer me in the right direction.  I also go ahead and tell the salespeople that I'm not too good with this stuff, and some people might say that's naive, but I'm just hoping they have pity on me. 

My sister, always looking out for me, would not let me wear the see-through top I had to get a maximum discount.  That's no fun at all.  But the dude was more into my legs anyways, and began humming the ZZ Top song "She's Got Legs" when he first saw me get out of the car.  Listen, I'll use whatever tools I have to my advantage, and while it's usually the girls, I was happy to flaunt my lily-white legs in my wedge platforms to make my purchase. 

My brand new baby, the Honey Badger.  She's a crazy bitch.

Have a great day, and remember...The Honey Badger don't care.

Waiting on the boys who can't be men...

Let us discuss the age old question:  Why are men such bastards? 

What happened to gentlemen, courting ladies with flowers (gardenias) and candy (jelly beans or sour cherrys)?  No, instead I get guys who come up to me going "Yo, my name's T-Low, gimme your number." 

Seriously?  T-Low?  That makes it sound like you're a sugar substitute for tea.  And then, THEN, they want pictures of us.  And not of our faces.  Now, I don't have a problem if you're in a long-term relationship with somebody occasionally appeasing them with some skin flashing.  But dude, we just met.  And no, I don't need to see anything of yours.  I trust you're a guy.  There is no need to prove it to me.

Guys have no skill anymore.  They just come up, get in my personal space, try talking some bullshit to me that I see right through, then cop an attitude when I'm not "feeling 'em."  And yes, I know they are quite large and you've probably never seen anything quite as big as them before, but my boobs shouldn't be the topic of conversation, especially if you're trying to get to know me.

I went out on a date recently with someone I thought I knew.  Granted, some time had passed since I'd spoken to him last, but I wasn't expecting a complete personality change.  And when he wasn't trying to convert me to Christianity, he was trying to screw me.  How's that for mixed signals?  "I think you should reconsider your faith, but hey, let's engage in pre-marital sex."  What the hell??  Then he drunk dialed me a few days later (after ignoring a phone call from me) and told me he didn't think we could date because he was too controlling and we would end up killing each other.  Um, thanks? 

So, what do we ladies do?  Do we put up with the men Bridget Jones referred to as "alcoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, commitment-phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits, or perverts," and hope it's all an act.  Or pray that eventually a nice guy will come along who doesn't want to see a picture of my girls the first time we meet?

The House of Blues (or Reds and Purples and Blacks)

I'm a big believer in being true to one's self.  Yet for some reason, I can't reflect that when it comes to decorating my house.  I love all sorts of stuff, from Asian art to comic books, Mystery Science Theater and a man named Bruce.  So in trying to make my house more me, I think it's time for some serious redecorating. 

Now, the Asian art and stuff, I'm practically OD'ing on it, especially in my living room.  But that's not all I want to do.  My ideal house would have movie posters, a blend of classics such as Evil Dead and Enter the Dragon, and others such as The Black Swan (Tyrone Power not Natalie Portman) and Notorious.  Oh, and comic book posters too.  But isn't that overkill?  I have three bedrooms, and really not one of them is ME.  Should I make each room a theme?  Or just throw it all together and hope it looks eclectic and not totally ridiculous?

I don't really entertain since I live so far out in the sticks and I don't blame my friends for not coming to see me.  But on the rare occasion I get a visit, I do want them to think "This is so you."  And I'm just not there yet.

I have a few decks of Tarot that I would love to use in my bedroom, in traditional and non-traditional Tarot reading styles, and place them on my walls, but I've got wood paneling in there and I think it would look plain tacky.  And I'm anything but tacky.  ;)

To sleep, perchance to dream

~~ The night is the hardest time to be alive, and 4 am knows all my secrets ~~  Poppy Z. Brite

So I've been told I've embraced the way my insomnia has made me.  An interesting theory, but since I've been a chronic moon worshipper since I was 11, why wouldn't I think that's just my personality?  True, even I'm aware when I'm walking a fine line between sleep deprived and full blown Al Pacino in "Insomnia", but that doesn't mean that with more sleep I'd be any different.  Or does it?  Something for me to ponder as I once again debate the necessity of taking not only a sleeping pill, but an ADHD pill. 

Someone else told me I've never known "normal."  What the hell is normal?  Someones abnormal may be another person's normal.  What if a pill made my normal abnormal? 

I promise not all my blogs will be quite so philosophical.  In fact, most of it will be pure fluff and just the ramblings of a semi-sane 32-year-old single female working her way through the cosmos. 

So as I sit here and wait to caption a show that's already got captions on it (see, abnormal to me, but normal to the client) I wish you all a good night's sleep.  And to my friends who worship the Cheshire cat, I'll see you under the stars.