Desperately Random

You ever think you need to be more upset over something than you really are?  Like maybe something happens, and you were totally expecting it to go down this way, and you feel like you should be more upset, hurt, pissed off, whatever, but you just can't muster up the emotions?

That's kinda where I am right now with some stuff going on in my life. 

Sometimes I wonder if my mental illness is the cause of that.  Some deep-seeded sociopathic tendencies.  Unlikely, yes.  But still...

I think a part of me wants to feel sad over something, and because I don't I wonder WTF is wrong with me.  Have I resigned myself to it?  Gods, I hope not.

I've been told by numerous people that I'm the most openly closed off person they've ever met.  I never knew this about myself, LoL.  I'm very open and friendly and a "what you see is what you get" kinda gal, but I don't let people in.

Now that I've been serious, let me switch gears.

I had a great weekend.  Saturday wore me the eff out.  I cooked chili at T.O.T. in Irving and got fifth place out of 65 cooks.  Not bad, not bad.  My sister got second, and The Page got first place juniors and won her first stove ever.  I'm sorry I missed her incredibly cheesy reaction, but I had to go home and get ready for a raunchy bachelorette party.  I won two games, and one of my prizes was a one-night stand kit.  I'll let you guess what all that comes with, though I'm thinking you won't have an issue.  We then went to Cowboys, some country music club, and while I loathe that music, I still had a great time. 

I can not skip my meds.  EVAH.  Holy Hades, it just makes me feel completely jacked up the next day.  Found that out Friday when I got home too late Thursday night to take my pills (and had been imbibing) and the next morning you would have thought I'd spent the entire weekend in Vegas drinking everything, including the worm.  And I only had one drink!!!!!!

"True Blood" starts up in a couple of weeks, and the hotness that is Alcide will soon be invading my living room.  Well, not mine since I go to a friend's house to watch it.  But that means "Game of Thrones" will be over until next year.  Bastards.  This season has been awesome, despite the fact they've deviated from the books a bit.  TEAM ARYA

Well, I must be off.  I'm technically "on-air" but we'll keep that between us.

Trading One Vice(s) for Another

Hellooooooooooo cigarettes.

We've had a tumultuous relationship.  You taunting me every time I drink, begging me to light your tip up.  But I rarely gave in.

But now that I've dropped a couple of bad habits (I think you can guess what they might be) I've started smoking on a regular basis.  Like having to buy my own pack basis.  *sigh*

Before anybody lectures, believe me....I know.  I've been raised around smokers my entire life.  Hell, I'm surprised I didn't come out of the womb asking for one.  Most of my family has either stopped completely or cut back dramatically, which is great.  I've watched them struggle with quitting, and had to listen/read what other people say about smokers.  You can be a serial killer, but if you smoke, that's the biggest sin. 

Ugh, best not to start on "those" people.  They piss me off.  No one is perfect, we all have our crutches, so just STFU and work on your own problems.

Anyhoo, I think it's more of an oral fixation than being addicted to nicotine now.  I only smoke maybe three or four a day, and I'm not having freak-out attacks when I can't have one.  Am I happy that I've begun this?  No.  But a lot of people coming down from things pick up smoking, so I guess I'm just one in a long list of billions to take it up to ease the withdrawals of other things.