And no, I'm not referring to myself.
I speak of a doctor. Let's call him the Brain Man. He prescribed me pills to help for my chronic insomnia, and boy did it work. Sleeping is now an art I master, and I had been flunking that class since junior high. If you read my blog, you know the insane shitstorm I had to go through a little over a month ago to get those pills refilled because my diagnosis isn't a criteria for the pill.
Oh, you psychotropic drugs you.
Anyways, now I'm left in limbo AGAIN, even though his nurse sent in an appeal. To her surprise, it wasn't denied, but it is under review. The doctor doesn't treat "psychiatric disorders" so he won't/can't change my diagnosis so I can get the refills and be happy, sane Courtney.
My question ~~ WHY THE HELL DID YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT YOU KNEW THE INSURANCE COMPANY WOULDN'T OK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T USE IT CORRECTLY ON ME EVEN THOUGH IT WORKS
Now I have to probably go see another doctor, go through this frakking bullshit all over again, and I bet my file has been flagged and they'll see I'm trying to get the pills from another doctor under a different, though real, diagnosis and they'll think I'm some junkie.
I heard that snicker.
Anyways, I'm just extremely frustrated. True, I waited a bit too long to find out how my appeal was going, but the nurse said she didn't even hear back from the insurance company until Monday. She's staying on top of things, and I do appreciate it. She knows...give the slightly skewed girl her meds. Even if she is trying to diagnose me as bipolar.
This pill is only given for four things, and I've got two of those. But that's not what I went to see the Brain Man for. He was a sleep specialist, and I needed help. And no, I'm not going to list the four criteria, but I will tell you one of them is bipolar, and nope, that's not it.
Long story short...Courtney's gonna be off her meds in the next few days. Welcome to Thunderdome.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Migraines, Twilight Marathons, Indoor hockey, and other goodies
I had a horrible migraine Saturday, and spent much of the day at my sister's house camped out on her couch in my stolen Armani sunglasses and pjs, rolling on hydro and...well, just rolling, trying anything I could to get rid of this vicious headache.
Since it was just Kelly and I, we did our Twilight marathon and sushi. The "Twilight" series fascinates me. I think they are horrible films and tell young girls they are incomplete unless they have a man in their life. I mean, Bella literally wakes up screaming after Edward leaves her, and she wastes away. Yes, that's right girls. You too will suffer from horrible nightmares and just sit in a chair all day long when the man you love doesn't love you back. Yet I can't stop watching them. I keep hoping my opinion of them will change, but it doesn't. And I love Kristen Stewart. She doesn't give a shit about anything, and I like that in a person. I think the hydro helped this time around.
Sunday is what I like to call "Will Day" and yesterday meant NHL All Star Game, and then watching another one of our friend's play ice hockey. For a church league. Yeah, that's just asking for trouble with us. We were cussing and screaming and calling for bloodshed. It was awesome, but cold as a witch's tit.
I had a really bad OCD/Paranoia day Thursday, so much so I was apologizing for it. Luckily my friend is totally cool with it and never mentions it or says "It's awesome". So Yay for people who understand.
Other than that, it's been pretty decent week. I had one minor meltdown, which I could feel was coming. You ever wake up in the morning and you know you're hanging on by a thin thread and just hope that whatever breaks it doesn't happen in public? That's me. But those days are getting a little less severe, and the voices in my head are liking me right now. I'll take that any day. :D
Since it was just Kelly and I, we did our Twilight marathon and sushi. The "Twilight" series fascinates me. I think they are horrible films and tell young girls they are incomplete unless they have a man in their life. I mean, Bella literally wakes up screaming after Edward leaves her, and she wastes away. Yes, that's right girls. You too will suffer from horrible nightmares and just sit in a chair all day long when the man you love doesn't love you back. Yet I can't stop watching them. I keep hoping my opinion of them will change, but it doesn't. And I love Kristen Stewart. She doesn't give a shit about anything, and I like that in a person. I think the hydro helped this time around.
Sunday is what I like to call "Will Day" and yesterday meant NHL All Star Game, and then watching another one of our friend's play ice hockey. For a church league. Yeah, that's just asking for trouble with us. We were cussing and screaming and calling for bloodshed. It was awesome, but cold as a witch's tit.
I had a really bad OCD/Paranoia day Thursday, so much so I was apologizing for it. Luckily my friend is totally cool with it and never mentions it or says "It's awesome". So Yay for people who understand.
Other than that, it's been pretty decent week. I had one minor meltdown, which I could feel was coming. You ever wake up in the morning and you know you're hanging on by a thin thread and just hope that whatever breaks it doesn't happen in public? That's me. But those days are getting a little less severe, and the voices in my head are liking me right now. I'll take that any day. :D
Monday, January 16, 2012
A Recovering Chronic Insomniac
Last night was pretty rad. I went to bed around 10 pm and didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 3:50 am. What's so rad about that? Because this morning, even while I'm slightly peeved that I'm so damned groggy and driving with one eye open like a pirate to try and stay awake, I realize I didn't wake up once.
It wasn't but a few months ago where I was running around like a crazy woman (and some of you say how the hell has that changed?) Believe me, it has. Everyone always talks about how sleep is so important, but tons of people scoff at that and say "I'M INVINCIBLE AND IMMUNE AND ALL I NEED IS A COFFEE WITH CARAMEL SPRINKLES AND WHIPPED CREAM TO KEEP ME GOING."
Hah! Imagine a chronic insomniac who hates coffee? That's me. I ran on pure insanity, living on two to three hours of sleep a night, my brain so jacked up I was hallucinating and hearing things. And extremely, extremely paranoid. Hell, I'm still paranoid, but that's another story for another time.
"Tired," "Exhausted"...these words are no longer in my vocabulary when asked how I'm feeling. Sure, they've been replaced by "Groggy," but that's a given. I've never felt that sensation before, and while extremely annoying, I guess I've got to look at it as a sign that the pills I've been put on are doing their work. And helping not just with my sleep, but other aspects of my personality as well. Who know that a pill not classified as a sleeping pill, or even an antidepressant, could finally help a gal who'd tried everything under the moon to chill her out.
But don't think I've abandoned you, my fellow worshippers of the Cheshire Cat. I'm still here, lurking and sitting outside at night talking to the sky. I'm just making a bit more sense now when I'm doing it.
It wasn't but a few months ago where I was running around like a crazy woman (and some of you say how the hell has that changed?) Believe me, it has. Everyone always talks about how sleep is so important, but tons of people scoff at that and say "I'M INVINCIBLE AND IMMUNE AND ALL I NEED IS A COFFEE WITH CARAMEL SPRINKLES AND WHIPPED CREAM TO KEEP ME GOING."
Hah! Imagine a chronic insomniac who hates coffee? That's me. I ran on pure insanity, living on two to three hours of sleep a night, my brain so jacked up I was hallucinating and hearing things. And extremely, extremely paranoid. Hell, I'm still paranoid, but that's another story for another time.
"Tired," "Exhausted"...these words are no longer in my vocabulary when asked how I'm feeling. Sure, they've been replaced by "Groggy," but that's a given. I've never felt that sensation before, and while extremely annoying, I guess I've got to look at it as a sign that the pills I've been put on are doing their work. And helping not just with my sleep, but other aspects of my personality as well. Who know that a pill not classified as a sleeping pill, or even an antidepressant, could finally help a gal who'd tried everything under the moon to chill her out.
But don't think I've abandoned you, my fellow worshippers of the Cheshire Cat. I'm still here, lurking and sitting outside at night talking to the sky. I'm just making a bit more sense now when I'm doing it.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
99 Problems And Cleanin' Is One
I am not, shall we say, domestically abled. Cleaning my house is one of the most mundane and overwhelming things that I can think of. My parents' house is immaculate, everything in it's place, but it never felt like a museum. Rather it's a house that you can tell people live in.
My sister cleans her house on a regular basis, but she's got a pretty hectic life and her house can get out of control with kids and a hubby.
Me, on the other hand, a single gal, you'd think I wouldn't have any issue keeping a tidy home. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm a hoarder, a pack rat, and just don't know how to clean things all the way because I get bored or feel like if no one is there to see it, what do I care how nice everything looks?
I bought a Wicca book because it sounded like it was about natural Wicca, which is what I'm into. But instead it's more about cleaning the clutter out of your house (and life) in a magical way. It's actually pretty cool and I've already done some things in it.
It's true that a chaotic life can reflect a chaotic house. And my life has been pretty wild here lately, especially inside my own head. Slowly, very, very slowly, I'm getting some of the clutter out of my house. I cleaned my oven yesterday, which was a huge feat for me, but then of course I was asked if I did it right and did I leave the oven door open to let the fumes wear off.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Small steps is what I have to take. Who knows, maybe in a few months my entire house will be clutter free. But if not, if it's only a couple of rooms, I'll be okay with that.
My sister cleans her house on a regular basis, but she's got a pretty hectic life and her house can get out of control with kids and a hubby.
Me, on the other hand, a single gal, you'd think I wouldn't have any issue keeping a tidy home. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm a hoarder, a pack rat, and just don't know how to clean things all the way because I get bored or feel like if no one is there to see it, what do I care how nice everything looks?
I bought a Wicca book because it sounded like it was about natural Wicca, which is what I'm into. But instead it's more about cleaning the clutter out of your house (and life) in a magical way. It's actually pretty cool and I've already done some things in it.
It's true that a chaotic life can reflect a chaotic house. And my life has been pretty wild here lately, especially inside my own head. Slowly, very, very slowly, I'm getting some of the clutter out of my house. I cleaned my oven yesterday, which was a huge feat for me, but then of course I was asked if I did it right and did I leave the oven door open to let the fumes wear off.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Small steps is what I have to take. Who knows, maybe in a few months my entire house will be clutter free. But if not, if it's only a couple of rooms, I'll be okay with that.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Yay for Pillzlol
After the clusterfuck that was my insurance company and doctor's office, I've finally got my pills back. True, they're only samples, but I don't care. I've got two more months of them, and hopefully by that time my medical record will be fixed and I won't ever have this problem again. Ever. Did I say ever? EVER!!!!!!!
But Courtney, you say, how could this happen? How could they deny your prescription? Well, because my doctor was trying to be nice by not labeling me in my Permanent Record, that's how. Poor man, he probably didn't realize what he was doing, and I don't blame him. And yes, part of it is my fault because I went in there acting sane, and let's face it...I'm short a few circuits. Or have extras...
Moving on!
The medicine wasn't being prescribed to me for the 4 reasons that people get it, so I had to tell the insurance company that yes, I have two of those conditions, and then call the doctor's office and have them change the diagnosis. So now they have to appeal the diagnosis and all that shit. Who knew it would be this difficult to get drugs legally? Hmpf.
And for those who follow my blog, y'all know I had a tough time adjusting to this new pill, even though I was getting the best sleep EVER. There's that word again. But being "all alone" in my head took some major adjustment. And when my body didn't have it for THREE FRAKKING WEEKS, Courtney lost all ability to cope. And apparently I had these coping skills before (or so my mother and others, hey that rhymes, told me). I was easily irritated and had absolutely no time for BS. And I'm one of those go-with-the-flow chicks. Very easy-going and laid back, much like my Dad. We don't let the small stuff bother us. And my paranoia, holy Zeus, that was even worse!
Long story short. Just say yes.
But Courtney, you say, how could this happen? How could they deny your prescription? Well, because my doctor was trying to be nice by not labeling me in my Permanent Record, that's how. Poor man, he probably didn't realize what he was doing, and I don't blame him. And yes, part of it is my fault because I went in there acting sane, and let's face it...I'm short a few circuits. Or have extras...
Moving on!
The medicine wasn't being prescribed to me for the 4 reasons that people get it, so I had to tell the insurance company that yes, I have two of those conditions, and then call the doctor's office and have them change the diagnosis. So now they have to appeal the diagnosis and all that shit. Who knew it would be this difficult to get drugs legally? Hmpf.
And for those who follow my blog, y'all know I had a tough time adjusting to this new pill, even though I was getting the best sleep EVER. There's that word again. But being "all alone" in my head took some major adjustment. And when my body didn't have it for THREE FRAKKING WEEKS, Courtney lost all ability to cope. And apparently I had these coping skills before (or so my mother and others, hey that rhymes, told me). I was easily irritated and had absolutely no time for BS. And I'm one of those go-with-the-flow chicks. Very easy-going and laid back, much like my Dad. We don't let the small stuff bother us. And my paranoia, holy Zeus, that was even worse!
Long story short. Just say yes.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Deeeeep Hurting
To conquer others is to have power. To conquer yourself is to know the way ~~ Lao Ma
Sure, Lao Ma is a fictional character from Xena, but she speaks the truth.
Everyday I want to do something different with my life, but I'm too afraid or paranoid that it won't work out for me. Can't stand up and tell that dude he's an asshole and wish he would have never entered your life? Me neither. Make all these plans in your head to do when you get home from work, and instead sit around watching TV or playing videogames? Been there, still do it.
I'm not a huge believer in resolutions because I think it's just a way for people to fail and convince themselves they'll just wait until next year, but that's just the cynic in me. There's nothing wrong with making goals to better yourself, so instead of resolutions, I'm calling them attempts. Here's a few of mine:
1. Attempt to not let vinegar sacs control my life. If he's not there 100%, he ain't ever gonna be there 100%.
2. Attempt to get outside more. Even if it's just wandering around my small town.
3. Attempt to spend more time in the kitchen. I've got to get out of the habit of microwave or takeout just because I'm not cooking for more than one person. I love to read cookbooks, and I've got a whole slew of them. Time to do some experimenting on my own.
4. And finally, stop being so damned hard on myself. I'm a jacked up individual. That's just how it is. I can accept my flaws and carry on with my life or I can continue to belittle and degrade myself over every stupid thing.
So there ya have it. My attempts for the new year. It's time to go back to being who I once was...a carefree person who just went with the flow. Amazing how certain people and events in your life can make your personality change.
Bastards. ;)
Sure, Lao Ma is a fictional character from Xena, but she speaks the truth.
Everyday I want to do something different with my life, but I'm too afraid or paranoid that it won't work out for me. Can't stand up and tell that dude he's an asshole and wish he would have never entered your life? Me neither. Make all these plans in your head to do when you get home from work, and instead sit around watching TV or playing videogames? Been there, still do it.
I'm not a huge believer in resolutions because I think it's just a way for people to fail and convince themselves they'll just wait until next year, but that's just the cynic in me. There's nothing wrong with making goals to better yourself, so instead of resolutions, I'm calling them attempts. Here's a few of mine:
1. Attempt to not let vinegar sacs control my life. If he's not there 100%, he ain't ever gonna be there 100%.
2. Attempt to get outside more. Even if it's just wandering around my small town.
3. Attempt to spend more time in the kitchen. I've got to get out of the habit of microwave or takeout just because I'm not cooking for more than one person. I love to read cookbooks, and I've got a whole slew of them. Time to do some experimenting on my own.
4. And finally, stop being so damned hard on myself. I'm a jacked up individual. That's just how it is. I can accept my flaws and carry on with my life or I can continue to belittle and degrade myself over every stupid thing.
So there ya have it. My attempts for the new year. It's time to go back to being who I once was...a carefree person who just went with the flow. Amazing how certain people and events in your life can make your personality change.
Bastards. ;)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I bet you think this blog is about you...
This blog is the product of a conversation I had last night with a close friend. Said friend is not the friend I'm talking about in this blog. Confused? :)
You know, I'm very aware that I can be a hard person to hang around with. I have no filter, I'm eccentric, I'm foul-mouthed, bawdy and maybe a little too loud for some people. But don't come into my life and want to know all about me, then once you've infiltrated it, become a very close friend, just decide that I'm all the sudden an anchovy and you don't want that nasty thing on your pizza.
Who does that? If you were really my friend, you wouldn't just stop being my friend without good reason. I understand that people go through shit and we all have baggage, but damn! I have very few friends, first because it takes a lot for me to trust people because I've been jacked over in the past by people who I gave 100% to and then they just flaked out on me. And second because of the reasons named above in the first paragraph.
So it really pisses me off when I'm made to feel like an inconvenience when you were the one who initiated the friendship in the first place. You ask me why I am the way I am, I tell you and you're very understanding and say that you don't see it, but then you must see it because you're no longer my friend anymore.
Part of me wants to confront this person and be like "WTF??!!!" Another part is saying "Screw 'em! You're fun to hang around with and they're the ones missing out if they don't want to be your friend." I think I'll stick with that one. People only have power over you if you let them. So, this is the last I shall speak of this person.
You know, I'm very aware that I can be a hard person to hang around with. I have no filter, I'm eccentric, I'm foul-mouthed, bawdy and maybe a little too loud for some people. But don't come into my life and want to know all about me, then once you've infiltrated it, become a very close friend, just decide that I'm all the sudden an anchovy and you don't want that nasty thing on your pizza.
Who does that? If you were really my friend, you wouldn't just stop being my friend without good reason. I understand that people go through shit and we all have baggage, but damn! I have very few friends, first because it takes a lot for me to trust people because I've been jacked over in the past by people who I gave 100% to and then they just flaked out on me. And second because of the reasons named above in the first paragraph.
So it really pisses me off when I'm made to feel like an inconvenience when you were the one who initiated the friendship in the first place. You ask me why I am the way I am, I tell you and you're very understanding and say that you don't see it, but then you must see it because you're no longer my friend anymore.
Part of me wants to confront this person and be like "WTF??!!!" Another part is saying "Screw 'em! You're fun to hang around with and they're the ones missing out if they don't want to be your friend." I think I'll stick with that one. People only have power over you if you let them. So, this is the last I shall speak of this person.
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