Confessions of a Klutz

Hi, my name is Courtney and I'm extremely clumsy.

I'm currently sitting in my studio at work with an icepack on my ankle and splints on my wrists.  And they are both unrelated injuries.

My tendonitis has been really bad the past couple weeks, and now I've got to get an EMG and nerve reduction study done.  And those aren't pleasant experiences either.  This just pisses me off more because I'm thinking I'LL NEVER GET TO THOSE VIOLIN LESSONS MY PARENTS GOT ME FOR CHRISTMAS

The gods are against me.  Or so it feels like sometimes.

Then this morning while I was innocently giving my dogs water, I fell off my back porch and into the damned sinkhole by the deck.  Needless to say I was rolling around in my backyard cussing at the top of my lungs at 4:30 am.  Bastards.

I had a great weekend, though.  I was supposed to work, but doctor's orders said no.  And since she knows me so well, she marked off the things I was not allowed to do:

Work
Text
Play videogames
Shoot pool

I was like "Then what the hell am I supposed to do all weekend?"

Saturday I hung out over at my sister's.  Our mom was out there helping her decorate one of her trailers, and when they went to Lowe's, I stayed with The Paige.  She and I ended up going to Braums, where she told me that she knows a lot about things that don't exist, and she only believes in some of the Harry Potter characters.  Not all.

Her daddy came home and filled up the pool, so Kelly and I got in there with her with our glass of wine.  And that bitch was COLD!!!!!  Kelly stood up most of the time, but like the mermaid I am, it didn't take me long to get used to it.

Sunday was Funday with Will.  Went over and watched the Italy/Spain soccer game, and had to do shots of bourbon when Italy scored.  My mother was disappointed saying "I've raised you better than to watch soccer."  My response was "You raised me to admire hot men, and soccer has tons of them."

Then had lunch with my friend Tae.  Hadn't seen her since she'd gotten her new silver Scion, and she's a sexy beast in that car now!! 

Well, the White Queens have kicked in, so before I stop making sense, I shall say fare the well.

Desperately Random

You ever think you need to be more upset over something than you really are?  Like maybe something happens, and you were totally expecting it to go down this way, and you feel like you should be more upset, hurt, pissed off, whatever, but you just can't muster up the emotions?

That's kinda where I am right now with some stuff going on in my life. 

Sometimes I wonder if my mental illness is the cause of that.  Some deep-seeded sociopathic tendencies.  Unlikely, yes.  But still...

I think a part of me wants to feel sad over something, and because I don't I wonder WTF is wrong with me.  Have I resigned myself to it?  Gods, I hope not.

I've been told by numerous people that I'm the most openly closed off person they've ever met.  I never knew this about myself, LoL.  I'm very open and friendly and a "what you see is what you get" kinda gal, but I don't let people in.

Now that I've been serious, let me switch gears.

I had a great weekend.  Saturday wore me the eff out.  I cooked chili at T.O.T. in Irving and got fifth place out of 65 cooks.  Not bad, not bad.  My sister got second, and The Page got first place juniors and won her first stove ever.  I'm sorry I missed her incredibly cheesy reaction, but I had to go home and get ready for a raunchy bachelorette party.  I won two games, and one of my prizes was a one-night stand kit.  I'll let you guess what all that comes with, though I'm thinking you won't have an issue.  We then went to Cowboys, some country music club, and while I loathe that music, I still had a great time. 

I can not skip my meds.  EVAH.  Holy Hades, it just makes me feel completely jacked up the next day.  Found that out Friday when I got home too late Thursday night to take my pills (and had been imbibing) and the next morning you would have thought I'd spent the entire weekend in Vegas drinking everything, including the worm.  And I only had one drink!!!!!!

"True Blood" starts up in a couple of weeks, and the hotness that is Alcide will soon be invading my living room.  Well, not mine since I go to a friend's house to watch it.  But that means "Game of Thrones" will be over until next year.  Bastards.  This season has been awesome, despite the fact they've deviated from the books a bit.  TEAM ARYA

Well, I must be off.  I'm technically "on-air" but we'll keep that between us.

Trading One Vice(s) for Another

Hellooooooooooo cigarettes.

We've had a tumultuous relationship.  You taunting me every time I drink, begging me to light your tip up.  But I rarely gave in.

But now that I've dropped a couple of bad habits (I think you can guess what they might be) I've started smoking on a regular basis.  Like having to buy my own pack basis.  *sigh*

Before anybody lectures, believe me....I know.  I've been raised around smokers my entire life.  Hell, I'm surprised I didn't come out of the womb asking for one.  Most of my family has either stopped completely or cut back dramatically, which is great.  I've watched them struggle with quitting, and had to listen/read what other people say about smokers.  You can be a serial killer, but if you smoke, that's the biggest sin. 

Ugh, best not to start on "those" people.  They piss me off.  No one is perfect, we all have our crutches, so just STFU and work on your own problems.

Anyhoo, I think it's more of an oral fixation than being addicted to nicotine now.  I only smoke maybe three or four a day, and I'm not having freak-out attacks when I can't have one.  Am I happy that I've begun this?  No.  But a lot of people coming down from things pick up smoking, so I guess I'm just one in a long list of billions to take it up to ease the withdrawals of other things.

There Is a House in New Orleans...

That has a tub so deep that my natural flotation devices came in quite handy.  You could let it keep running because the water would spill over into a drain.  SO FRAKKING AWESOME

I had a spectacular time in New Orleans with Lot Lizard, and two of her friends from Colorado.  We rented a little place on St. John's bayou from this lovely couple, and there were times when instead of partying hard we were just sitting on the front porch in rocking chairs, people watching.  Of course we were doing things on the porch to continue to party...

And we're moving on.  We ate at Mothers and all I kept doing was singing the Danzig song to the ladies fixing my meal behind the counter.  Weird looks ensued, but I didn't care.  I was on VACATION.  Then later that night after having been up for 24 hours (and off my meds) I had a nice little episode.  So I excused myself, left the dark bar where some girl got so blitzed that she fell off a stool while trying to impress men, and made it back to our place.  Exhaustion and no antipsychotics does not make for a pleasant experience, and I'll just leave it at that, LoL.

I drank some iced coffee at Cafe Dumond, and I'm sure if I were a coffee drinker I would have been all atingle over it, but it was meh.  The beignets were delicious though.  Saturday it was a rainy morning, so we went to the museum, which I crashed.  Hey, they told me to check my drink in.  They didn't tell me to come back and pay after I did that.  Some dude was following me around and took a picture of my shirt.  Riiiiiiiight.  My "Xanax: Because sometimes whiskey isn't enough" shirt.  Nothing like going into a museum and becoming a piece of art yourself.  Huzzah!

We then at at Acme Oyster bar, and it was DELICIOUS.  Lot Lizard kept ordering every damned thing off the menu when they would bring her something else.  It was awesome.  And then I got my Tarot read by a dude name Phillip, then my runes read by a guy named Oscar Brock, who thought my "tatas were fascinating". 

*sigh*

Sunday we toured the Garden District.  Those homes are unbelievable.  I can't really compare them to anything around here like Cottonwood Valley or Highland Park since it's completely different architecture, but I know that I will definitely be living there one day in the French Quarter, hopefully above some voodoo store. 

I've been working on an outline for a book.  This is ginormous for me.  Usually I just free write and hope something happens.  Which is probably why I've got a gazillion little paragraphs and stories going around.  But with the new meds, it's a whole new ballgame.  I'm actually starting the one that I got so far on a very long time ago, back when I actually went to writing groups where we shared what we were writing with other writers.  I may find another group to join.  Who knows.

Small steps.

That's all I've got time for today.  Fare thee well my fine friends. 

Back In the Saddle Again

After two months, I've finally got my meds back.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

*does funky chicken dance*

I also got a new diagnosis, which I'm not too keen on.  I think when you've got so many little things that don't make you fit into one category, you get lumped in with the "Blenders" as I call them.  We're an unusual mix of quite a few things, and sometimes just adding more sugar doesn't make it sweet, it makes it yucky.  Did that make sense?

I don't really care.  ;)

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but that's because it's hard for me to put my thoughts to paper (so to speak) that mortals can understand, since my rambling was off the charts here the past few weeks.

I'm not going to drone on about it, so...moving on.

Going to New Orleans with the Lot Lizard next weekend, and I am beyond excited.  I've never been there, and my sister and her hubby have given us a slew of places that we need to hit up.  We've rented a little house on the water, and I'm driving the Honey Badger out probably Thursday evening. 

Can't Wait!!  (Bart Scott wanna-be)

Short and sweet, my feathered friends.  Stay classy San Diego.

We're All Mad Here

And here we go again.

I haven't been on my anti-psychotics for almost a month now thanks to all sorts of fuckedupness from my insurance and my doctor.  It's too long and complicated a story to tell, but at least y'all know I didn't stop them myself. 

Now I have to go see a new doctor, hope they give me this pill which has worked like NO OTHER PILL BEFORE and Courtney can get back to feeling "normal" again.

Let me give you a rundown of what goes on inside my head.  As soon as I wake up, it's like a radio station up here.  Music, conversations, images, movie quotes, voices, different personalities...They're all there vying for attention and it's so hard for me to grab on to anything solid, so I walk around making no sense whatsoever when I'm talking to someone because there are too many people in my head. 

I hear things, I don't trust what I see, and my OCD and paranoia has moved to gods-like levels.

I wish this was hyperactivity and I could take what every other person on the planet takes.  But it's not.  And it's so easy for people to assume I'm ADHD when in fact, I'm not.  Yes, I've got some of it sprinkled throughout, but that's not my main issue. One day I'll share with all of you what it is I have.  I just don't like being labeled, and that's all y'all would see me as.

My poor friends, they've been able to handle me so far, with my random texting, bizarre conversations, and stoned out episodes.  There are times Courtney needs it to be quiet in her head, and trust me, I will do whatever it takes to get that peace, however short it may be.

I've got an appointment with a new doctor next Monday, and I hope I sounded desperate (crazy) enough for them to want to help me, instead of give me the run around. 

I feel like my last doctor played me, and don't troll a troll.  Your time will come, brain man. 

If I Only Had a Brain

And no, I'm not referring to myself. 

I speak of a doctor.  Let's call him the Brain Man.  He prescribed me pills to help for my chronic insomnia, and boy did it work.  Sleeping is now an art I master, and I had been flunking that class since junior high.  If you read my blog, you know the insane shitstorm I had to go through a little over a month ago to get those pills refilled because my diagnosis isn't a criteria for the pill.

Oh, you psychotropic drugs you.

Anyways, now I'm left in limbo AGAIN, even though his nurse sent in an appeal.  To her surprise, it wasn't denied, but it is under review.  The doctor doesn't treat "psychiatric disorders" so he won't/can't change my diagnosis so I can get the refills and be happy, sane Courtney.

My question ~~ WHY THE HELL DID YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING THAT YOU KNEW THE INSURANCE COMPANY WOULDN'T OK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T USE IT CORRECTLY ON ME EVEN THOUGH IT WORKS

Now I have to probably go see another doctor, go through this frakking bullshit all over again, and I bet my file has been flagged and they'll see I'm trying to get the pills from another doctor under a different, though real, diagnosis and they'll think I'm some junkie.

I heard that snicker.

Anyways, I'm just extremely frustrated.  True, I waited a bit too long to find out how my appeal was going, but the nurse said she didn't even hear back from the insurance company until Monday.  She's staying on top of things, and I do appreciate it.  She knows...give the slightly skewed girl her meds.  Even if she is trying to diagnose me as bipolar. 

This pill is only given for four things, and I've got two of those.  But that's not what I went to see the Brain Man for.  He was a sleep specialist, and I needed help.  And no, I'm not going to list the four criteria, but I will tell you one of them is bipolar, and nope, that's not it.

Long story short...Courtney's gonna be off her meds in the next few days.  Welcome to Thunderdome.